Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns in relationships, struggling with closeness, fearing rejection or finding it difficult to trust? Understanding your attachment patterns can help you make sense of how you respond to relationships and begin to develop healthier ways of connecting.
If this sounds familiar, we might be able to help.
“Each session was thoughtfully structured, providing us with both the space to reflect and the tools to move forward with greater clarity and confidence. The insight and practical strategies we received have made a tangible difference in how we communicate and connect on a daily basis.”
Patterns in reactions
Sometimes our reactions in relationships can feel bigger than the situation itself. You might wonder why a delayed text, a change in plans or a slightly different tone of voice can affect you so strongly. Our nervous system is responding to current situations using information learned through earlier experiences.
Do you recognise any of these patterns?
- Worry that people will leave or reject you
- Need frequent reassurance from your partner
- Find it difficult to trust people
- Pull away when someone gets too close
- Feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy
- Become overwhelmed by strong emotions
- Feel disconnected or numb
- Struggle to explain what you need
- Feel that you’re “too much” or “not enough”
- Find yourself repeating the same relationship patterns
- Become particularly distressed by changes in someone’s tone, messages or behaviour
- Find relationships difficult even when you know you care about the other person
Attachment is about the emotional bonds we form with the people who care for us. Early experiences can influence what we learn about trust, safety, closeness and whether our needs will be met.
These patterns can continue into adulthood and influence how we respond to intimacy, conflict, rejection and emotional closeness.
Understanding your attachment style
Understanding you and your partner’s attachment styles can lead to a better understanding of what you need from each other in a relationship. It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t fixed; they can change, and everyone can grow into a secure attachment style. It’s also important to note that no two attachment styles are incompatible.
You don’t need to have experienced an obviously traumatic childhood for attachment patterns to be relevant to you. Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence.
It’s important to remember that attachment styles aren’t fixed. Attachment styles can change and that people can develop greater security over time. Understanding your past also doesn’t mean you need to blame it.
The four attachment styles
People with a secure attachment style are aware of and can effectively communicate their emotions, can self-soothe during difficult times, and usually feel safe and stable in healthy relationships. Secure attachment develops when an infant feels reassured and supported to explore by their primary caregivers.
Anxious individuals can be overly attentive to partners due to an ever-present worry of losing them. For many, self-worth is tied to their relationships and rejection or breakups can hit hard. Anxious individuals often prioritise the needs of others over themselves.
Can develop if caregivers are emotionally distant. In relationships, avoidant individuals may struggle with opening up and emotional intimacy. They can be closed off towards partners and may decide to abandon ship if they feel they are becoming too vulnerable.
Can develop due to parenting inconsistencies during childhood. People who have this style of attachment can be inconsistent in their romantic relationships. Disorganised individuals don’t wish to avoid emotional intimacy like avoidants, but view attachment as inconsistent and can be fearful of getting close to someone.
When two attachment styles meet
For example: the anxious/avoidant dynamic
One person seeks reassurance → the other feels overwhelmed and pulls away → the first person seeks even more reassurance → the other withdraws further.
Neither person necessarily wants the relationship to feel this way. But the pattern can become self-reinforcing.
How therapy can help your relationship
Understanding attachment patterns can help you make sense of how you respond to closeness, conflict, trust and rejection.
Attachment patterns can feel like part of who you are. But they aren’t fixed for life.
With greater understanding, self-compassion and the right support, it’s possible to develop new ways of relating to yourself and the people around you.
Couples therapy can be useful whenever you want to understand each other better and improve how you relate to one another. You should also consider individual therapy to understand your own patterns in and out of relationships.
If you’ve been reading this thinking “I don’t understand why I react this way in relationships” you’re not alone. Let us understand your patterns and help you develop new ways of relating – whether you are in a relationship or not. You can browse our relationship or individual counsellors and book a free 15-minute call, and find someone to talk to without a waiting list.
How therapy works?
Find your therapist
Use our directory to choose a therapist that is right for you. Use the filters to refine your search by their specialisms.
Read up about what to expect from your sessions, written by one of our counsellors.
Shortlist your options by using the star icon on each profile. These save to your favourites area, to be able to return to at a later date.
Have a free connection call
All our therapists offer a free, no-obligation, 15 minute call. You can use this to determine if this counsellor is a good-fit for you.
Start your sessions
It is between you and the therapist as to how many sessions are needed. Typically people book 6-10 weekly sessions. We offer great flexibility for in-person or online sessions (or a mix of the two), as well as short cancellation notice periods – just 48 hours.
Part of the structure of couples counselling is that there is usually an opportunity for each person to attend a session on their own, so the therapist can get to know each individual as well as the couple.
Work towards change
Together, you’ll explore the patterns and challenges affecting your relationship and work through them.
Attachment theory is a branch of study pioneered by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded upon by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the decades following. A lot more study has gone into attachment theory since, and it’s become a widely utilised basis for understanding relationship behaviours.
The theory is that a person develops one of four attachment styles based on their relationship with their primary caregivers as an infant. Caregivers act as a “secure base” for children, and if that security becomes threatened and children can’t appropriately connect with caregivers in stressful situations, they can develop insecure attachment styles. People maintain these attachment styles into adult life and they influence how people behave in relationships.
Read more in this article.
You might have heard the term attachment trauma and wondered whether it applies to you. Perhaps you recognise patterns in your relationships that you can’t quite explain. Counsellor Lesley Cooke, who has 24 years of experience specialising in attachment and how early experience shapes adult relationships, has penned an article where she explains what attachment trauma is and how it tends to show up in ways people don’t immediately connect to their past.
Therapy can help you make sense of those patterns, understand where they came from, and start to build new ways of relating to yourself and the people around you.
That process takes time. But many people find that as they develop greater self-understanding and self-compassion, the grip of old patterns begins to loosen.
This is when relationships start to feel less like a battleground and more like a place of safety. The first step it always to reach out to a trained professional, and our free connection calls allow you to discuss anything your may want to bring to your sessions without any commitment or obligation.
A trained counsellor can help identify recurring triggers, uncover how childhood experiences are shaping present reactions, and support both partners in expressing themselves more safely. Relationship counselling can also help couples practise skills like active listening, emotional regulation and repair after misunderstandings.
Importantly, counselling is not about deciding who is right. It is about helping both people feel heard, understood and respected – even when they disagree.
Use our booking calendar, on each therapists profile, to select and book a slot. This is a 1 hour slot – however the time you will spend with the counsellor will be 50 minutes to allow a small break for notes in between the therapists sessions.
We answer more questions about this in our FAQ’s.
A couples therapist isn’t a judge. They’re not there to assign blame. They will instead focus on what the pattern is, where it comes from, and what both parties can do differently.
Read more advice from a couples counsellor.
Ready to find the right relationship counsellor?
You don’t have to know exactly what you need before getting in touch. Browse our relationship therapists and book a free 15-minute connection call to talk through whether counselling could help.
Not sure if therapy is right for you?
Read our guide to help understand what happens during therapy and the therapist’s role in sessions to help you decide if it's right for you.
Read more