We’ve Lost the Spark – Can We Get it Back? 

If you’re past the honeymoon stage of a relationship, then you may not feel immediate sexual excitement when you see your partner anymore. It’s normal for that jolt of electricity to fade as you settle into trust, attachment, and the ebb and flow of a relationship. 

Whether you’ve been together for just a year or for a decade, it’s completely normal for desire to come and go like a changing tide. One day you may feel extreme sexual desire towards your partner, and the next, be completely turned off by the thought of intimacy. 

We’re often taught that the loss of immediate sexual excitement means a relationship is failing, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. As relationships progress, context becomes extremely important for many to feel sexual desire. If you’re the kind of person for who context is important, a “spark” may be the wrong thing to look for. 

The spark comes from within 

“The spark” isn’t a term I like to use when discussing relationships with clients. I describe it as a feeling of anticipation to be sexually intimate with someone you like, combined with anxiety about whether your desire will be fulfilled or not. If you feel a spark with someone, it’s your own body’s reaction to these emotions, and therefore it comes from within. 

When you’re first about to meet someone for a date, that spark will already be building as you’re getting ready, thinking about if they will like your outfit, anticipating the conversations you’re going to have, and ruminating over whether the date will go well or not. Once you meet, if you like the way the person looks, if your humour is compatible and you have good conversation, then you’ll feel more likely that the date will be a success and the spark will emerge. 

If you’re in a long-term relationship and you and your partner have gained each other’s trust, there is no longer anxiety about whether you will be compatible. You’re already together, so nothing serious is at stake if you have a less-than-ideal encounter. You’ve become accustomed to each other and have a stable sense of attachment. 

What you may be struggling with is not the lack of a spark, but a mismatch in the ways you experience desire, or the presence of circumstances that are inhibiting your desire. 

Spontaneous desire vs. responsive desire 

We’re taught that spontaneous sexual desire is the foundation of a healthy relationship. In actuality, most relationships will have at least one person who is more of a responsive desire type. 

I often liken sexual desire to being hungry. Some people could eat all day, every day, whereas others might need a taste of something delicious to get their appetite going. Desire is similar in that some people want sex with their partner all the time and others need a few things to be in the right place to become sexually excited. 

Those for who desire comes on regardless of context are spontaneous desire types. People who have a high level of spontaneous desire are more likely to form emotional connections through sex and can even be ready to go straight after an argument. Those for who desire is more context dependent are responsive desire types. They need to be in the right place emotionally to feel sexual excitement, and after an argument, sex may be the last thing on their mind. 

It’s not just arguing that can put off responsive desire types, it’s anything that demonstrates their partner isn’t being thoughtful or caring towards them. If the house is untidy, the dishes haven’t been washed, and the bins haven’t been taken out despite asking three times, its unlikely a responsive desire type will be in the mood for intimacy. 

It’s important to state that if you are more responsive and your partner is more spontaneous or vice versa, this does not mean you are incompatible. It’s also important to note that people can lean more spontaneous or more responsive on different days or at different points in their lives.  

Communication is key 

 Even if you and your partner have been together for a long time, it doesn’t mean you’re always going to know what makes each other tick. That’s why open and honest communication throughout your relationship is important. 

If there are things that need to be discussed or taken care of outside the bedroom for you to experience desire, let your partner know. Listen to your partner when they tell you how their desire is activated. Make sure everything is in the right place so you can both be in the zone. 

Scheduling time to be intimate might be laughed off or frowned upon by some, but it’s no less healthy than having spontaneous sexual encounters. In fact, if it works for you and your relationship, it shows you have both taken time to consider each other’s feelings and built a plan based on common ground. 

If scheduling intimacy doesn’t work for you, that’s okay, too. Talking and figuring out what is dampening the mood will lead you to a solution. Relationships are a constant cycle of rupture and repair, and open communication is what helps repair rifts and brings back “the spark”.